A Bali Sunrise/Sunset

The light blinds me every morning. Piercing my closed eyes with ray after ray. The penetration of this sunrise upon my eyes; wakes me up to a nightmare. This particular day, I turn away. Wishing-hoping-praying it will go away.  I don’t want to wake up.  I won’t want to feel. I don’t want to be.  And so, I close my eyes and force myself to turn away and shield myself from life.  It takes every effort from my immobile body and my soul, to force myself to wake up, look at that light, and cry.  I cry for the hope in my dreams and the rise in my reality. And, on this day I can’t move. Because moving will accept that this day is real. And so I sit for hours, staring at that sun that now lightens up my whole room, and beams on to my heart. A heart that isn’t whole. A heart that is losing life. A heart that needs that sun to find.

The sun doesn’t find it.  It continues to beat on the ground unnoticed. And I, go about my day heartless, unimagined, hopeless, and uninspired.

As the day comes to an end, and I see that Sun go slowly, I move towards it.  Because tomorrow is just another sunrise and I want to catch it from falling.  And so I stand face to face with that opaque mass and I face it. I watch those colors form in the sky yellow, orange, purple, green…. And I look at that sun leaving me and I cry. I look away and quickly, I glance back.  I don’t gaze at the sun, but I stare at the magnifying existence before my eyes.  I see beautiful colors and my eyes are no longer at the sun. They are at the pieces at the sky that fall apart with the sun. One by one, translucence, and then poof the sun is gone and I’m left with color.  I’m left with my own existence.  I’m left with me. And so, I turn my head, and walk away, knowing that tomorrow I will see that yellow and I’ll turn away. But reality: day by day, those pieces of the sky will find my heart and eventually it will find my soul.  And that sunrise/sunset will leave me feeling whole.

-JSD